Planet Charlie - On Planet Charlie

On Planet Charlie

Things would be different on Planet Charlie....

Postal employees and DMV workers would be paid by the number of people they helped in a day.

Every member of a boy band would have to include one ugly pudgy guy who actually had musical talent.

You could own a giant SUV or a cell phone but not both.

People who talk on cell phones in public would have to wear a phone booth on their head so we don¹t have to listen to their boring conversations.

People who drive mini vans have to live in mini houses.

You can't name your kid Tom Thomas, Mike Michaels, or Phil Phillips. If you have one of these last names and can't think of another name for your kid, you have to change your name to Dicky Dickhead.

Morning Show Radio DJ's will be required to say something funny once per... oh I don't know... once a week. Is that too much to ask? I might get real strict and require them to say something "mildly amusing" every day.

If your carry-on bag doesn't fit in the overhead compartment, you have to get off the plane. No ifs, ands, or buts, you were warned. You're not allowed to push it 3 times. You're not allowed to walk up and down the aisle looking for empty space. You're not allowed to make special arrangements with the flight attendant to store it up front. You have to get off the plane. Why do you think you're so special and get to bring on a big bag? You think the rest of us didn't want to bring on a big bag? I wanted to bring on a bag so big that held my suitcase and golf clubs so these dumbasses wouldn't lose it too. But you know what, I respected the people around me and followed the rules. Get off the plane, you self-centered prick.

For every piece of luggage lost at the airport, each airport employee must remove an article of clothing.

Airplanes will have vending machines. Want some coke, get some coke. Want 2 bags of peanuts, get 2 bags of peanuts. The best part - if you want to sleep for 3 hours, the vending machine isn't going to tap you on the shoulder every 15 minutes and offer you 4 oz. of coke and 3 peanuts.

Every President will be required to have his GED, or at least seem like he could pass.
or
Every President, who is a former governor of Texas AND who is the son of a former president AND who is the brother of the governor of Florida AND who has a mother named Barbara, must have his GED.

Some sort of punishment for weatherman when they're wrong; I've been carrying my umbrella around for two fucking days.

Bikinis won't have sizes, but weight limits.

Before he can make another movie, Nicholas Cage will be forced to have an acting lesson.

Your option at the grocery store won't be "paper or plastic." It will be "Can I be friendly or friendlier."

McDonald's coffee has a warning on it, so will it's food - "The food you are about to ingest will make you fat and unappealing."

Your cell phone number will be the same as your license plate so I can call you up and tell you what a dickhead traffic maneuver you just pulled.

Oprah will be required to actually read the crappy books she recommends.

Because the words don't always come out right, all George Bush speeches will have closed captioning so you can read what the hell he means versus what is said.

Intersections won't be equipped with cameras. Krispy Kreme's will be equipped with cameras. Every cop car entering the parking lot will be sent a photo and fined.

Starbucks menus will be pared down to 2 items. Coffee and coffee with a bunch of shit in it.

All sandals will be equipped with a "black socks detector." The sandals will self destruct before they can be worn with black socks.